I Can Only Give You Everything I've Got
by Softrock-showtunesgirlscout22
Summary: "We have gone through so much than this before. Please just save me from this darkness" Meredith and Derek travel to New York, Owen and Amelia in tow to handle a family crisis, while each of them deal with the repercussions of the prospect of loss, something they all know too well. Previously called "Love Like Crazy"
1. Chapter 1

**I CAN ONLY GIVE YOU EVERYTHING I'VE GOT **

**"We have gone through so much than this before. Please just save me from this darkness" Meredith and Derek travel to New York, Owen and Amelia in tow to handle a family crisis, while each of them deal with the repercussions of the prospect of loss, something they all now too well. Previously called "LOVE LIKE CRAZY" **

**A/N: Hey guys! So, I decided to redesign this story, throwing Amelia and Owen in the mix of the family dynamic, and having a lot of family moments because, admit it, life is to fragile, to instantaneous, like it was for Derek, rest his soul who wasn't even given a proper send off. **

**I don't own anything but my mistakes, that I apologize in advance for. **

**Chapter 1**

"Tell me again why we agreed to this?" Meredith Grey turned back at her husband. He sighed. They had been over this more than enough times.

"Because, my mother and sisters asked us to." Derek said calmly. "It's just a few days Meredith."

"A few days with the Shepherd women is…a lot more of what I can handle." She frowned.

"Light up mom!" Zola smirked excitedly as she dragged her bag over to the front door where Derek had begun to pile up the luggage. "It's New York!" Right, said the 13 year old girl who was obsessed with fashion. No doctor bone in this one.

"You're only happy because Kate promised you an arranged tour.."

"She did not! She said we could all go." Zola bantered on.

"She bribed our child..." Derek smiled. "She did!"

"So.. That's one less kid for us worry about breaking things..."

"Boys! What's the hold up?!" Let's go!"

"Casey lost his shoe, again." Bailey said putting on a bag over his shoulder.

"Uncle Owen will be here any minute!" Meredith frustration over the overload of boys at her home got to her every time they were supposed to make it out the door in the mornings. "Help your dad with the bags" Bailey did as he was told and got a hold of the bags before they heard a horn. Wes, bolted out towards the door as soon as he heard the door. They really didn't need a dog.

"Hey." Owen said noticing the despair in Derek's face.

"Don't ask..." Derek smiled as Owen shrugged. "Come on Wes, we've got to go..."

"My toys! Daddy, are we taking my toys?" The 3 year old asked, clearly concerned.

"Yes." Derek said as he picked up the little boy. "Come on…"

By the time Meredith made it out with Casey, the boys and Zola had loaded Owen's truck. Amelia had gone on ahead with their own kids a few days back.

"Mamma, I don't want the blue sneakers, I want the black ones!"

"You've already changed them twice Case, it's this or nothing!"

"Then noting!" The little boy began to pull back towards the house. Derek and Owen shared a glance, Derek climbed off the truck to get Casey while his wife locked the house.

Yes, they were going to be a very long few days.

* * *

"Mom?" Bailey asked Meredith as they sat on the plane. His messy black hair getting messier by the minute. "Do I really have to bunk with my cousins, they are so..."

"Yes you have to, we've talked about this, everyone in this family is making sacrifices so we get to survive..." Yes well, out of all of Derek's sisters, Meredith had only bonded with Amelia after she had moved to Seattle for good, she was already in New York much to her dismay.

"You are such a drama queen Bailey." Zola said annoyed. "I have to share with all the girls and you don't see me complaining."

"You're now." The boy sank on his seat.

"Shut up!"

"You shut up!" It all went down from there as the kids began to argue until the flight attendant asked for their composure. Derek and Meredith sighed. Both the younger boys had fallen asleep and it all became quiet once more.

"Tell me again why we are doing this?"

* * *

They had not spent hardly 24 hours inside his mother's house when everyone had experience firsthand the mischief of the youngest of the clan. You see, grandma had set out a cake for dessert and Casey and Wes had made it their mission to get desert before dinner. Derek's sisters, well except for Lizzie and Amy who had spent a long time with the children, shot Meredith quite the reproachful look. "I'm sorry 'bout desert grandma." Casey said as soon as he made eye contact with Carolyn.

"Oh well, I guess we'll just have to make tonight without desert, won't we?" she said sweetly.

"Don't worry mom, the boys will help repair the damage as tomorrow it will be us making a cake, you worked too hard on yours. We should make it up to you, right boys?" the little boys nodded awkwardly.

"Wait, you will be making the cake?" Lizzie laughed. "That's something I've got to see."

"It isn't that hard sis, you should try it someday." Derek bantered on with a smile.

"I cook!" she said defensively. "You on the other hand..."

"He's quite a hand on now, if I may say so." Amy added in Derek's defense.

"Oh right, side with him, he's your favorite one after all." Kate said. Meredith watched as the siblings somehow behaved like children. This happened every time they would come visit and by the looks of it, even the kids had began to enjoy themselves as creamy covered Casey and Wes, giggled along, until Meredith told them it was time to take a bath and get ready for dinner.

* * *

"You don't think they've noticed, do you?" Meredith asked as she knelt down in front of the bathtub, she was rubbing Casey's back gently as Derek dried Wes's hair with a towel.

"About?" Meredith muttered something and her husband understood. "No, I don't think so Meredith, but you have to relax, I mean this isn't about us, this is about my mom and she's just glad we get to spend some time with her."

"Yes, I know but if they find out..."

"They won't, not if you don't actually tell them, listen I just want to spend some time here and have a good few days." He sighed.

"Daddy?" Casey asked "was grandma real mad?" the little boy looked at him in all seriousness biting his lip. "I'm really sorry,' bout the cake, honest."

"No, I don't think she was too mad buddy, in fact, I think she smiled a little." Derek winked at him with a smile.

"Is she really sick, like if she going to die? Like the people in the hospital?" Derek looked into Casey's eyes and in the mist of that innocent question was an irrational fear of the fact of having upset his grandma to the point he could have made her sicker, yes Casey and Wes were quite a handful, especially since Casey had been diagnosed with being on the spectrum, he was sweet but quite a handful and sadly, Wes was in tow for all the mischief., but even so with his diagnosis, Casey was a pretty empathetic child and he suffered most when he saw his actions had hurt someone.

"Umm... well we are all done here, why don't we go eat and then we'll talk some more about what happened?" Meredith smiled at her boys, still Derek could see his wife was trying to help him by avoiding the simplest truth of his mother dying.

* * *

"I have to say it, although it tastes like vinegar coming from my mouth." Kate said. "You surprise me little brother, this is actually a very good cake."

"Well thank you, the boys did most of the work, I just supervised them." He said as they ate. With 20 kids or so in the house, it wasn't hard for it to be noisy but they had managed to make it work.

"Like you supervise your interns at the hospital dad?" Zola asked playfully. "They are either terrified of you or mom"

"Well they call your mother Medusa, so you tell me." Derek saw Meredith glare at him across the table as they were separated by their four children, Bailey and Zola sat next to Derek while Meredith had Wes and Casey.

"And they call you McDreamy Uncle Derek, what's up with that?" One of Kate's children said. Derek saw his mother smile at the nickname, one she wasn't unfamiliar with, Derek could see his mother was awfully quiet as they ate. She'd watch her grandchildren, of all ages really, interact. And that made her happy.

* * *

"So..." Meredith found herself sitting on the swing at the Shepherd old home as Amy walked up to her with a beer in hand. Only , for her of course.

"So..." her sister in law answered with a long pause. Amelia handed Meredith the beer which she declined.

"How far along are you?" she inquired. Meredith sighed. "Oh come on. I'm a doctor and also the one Shepherd who is been there with when you found out you were having the rest of them. So?"

"I'm not even sure that I even am pregnant, I mean ten years ago it was almost impossible for me to conceive and now it seems that maybe my husband's sperm might be magical." Amy gagged. "Oh right, sorry, well, I don't even know for sure, and I am too old to be having a child now. I was too old when I had the last one."

" Does Derek know?"

"Of course he does, but a lot of stuff has been going on so we haven't really talked about it..."

"Oh yeah , how are things going with Casey?" He really hadn't been diagnosed yet, but his father was a neurosurgeon so, he was pretty sure he at least was on the spectrum, although he was extremely functional.

"They are fine, we are just getting used to the idea and he's you know, I don't know, I think he feels guilty or something. He asked me if it had been because of something he'd done and I froze... of course, after a moment I reacted and told him no, but..."

"How are you meant to bring another baby into the world now huh?" Amelia understood. She had a life now too, a husband and children so she understood where she was coming from."That's what you are thinking about?"

"Exactly, I've never been able to carry on pregnancies effectively, they always have some kind of risk and now, it's riskier than ever." Meredith glanced at the beer bottle. "Do you miss it?" Meredith suddenly asked. Amelia glanced at the liquid and smiled.

"Used to, not anymore. I have more important things to keep me wanting to, wanting to be alive." Amelia had made quite the milestones since moving to Seattle with her brother. She and Owen had really hit it off from the get go, he was miserable about Cristina, quite hurt and really vulnerable, so Amelia was that who mirrored him the most. A pregnancy and a lot of fights later, they had 3 children, all of them adorable to say the least, and although it was quite a handful while they both worked at the hospital, like Meredith and Derek, they somehow made it work.

"They you are" Derek and Owen came outside for a moment, clearly looking for them. "Everything okay?"

"You tell me." Meredith told Derek sternly, she knew he wasn't really processing what was going on with him; he'd rather just focus on the kids and the secret pregnancy, than dealing with the harsh truth of not Carolyn's condition.

"Meredith, I think you better come" Lizzie said, rushing to where they were all standing. Dr. Grey looked at her husband.

"Mommy!" A crying Casey was inconsolable as they reached the living room, a pool of blood was at his feet as he'd hit his nose and it was now bleeding. Matt, Owen and Amelia's eldest explained the situation the best he could, Derek picked the boy up and carried him to the bathroom as the rest of the crowd cleared, kids getting ready for bed.

* * *

"Amy knows?" Derek asked curiously as they got ready for bed that night.

"Yes, she has a sixth sense or something, I'm surprised your other sisters didn't ask me about it too." His wife smiled. "Those years she worked in LA really made her sneaky." Derek smirked.

"Well, to be fair, she is the one who you know better and so she knows you better too." Derek smiled.

"I just, I don't want to steal the spotlight from your mom or anything..."

"Meredith, that's not even possible and plus we said we wouldn't say anything if we weren't sure…"

"You really do want another one, don't you?" She said accusingly. "Oh My God! You do! You're a baby maniac!"

"And why not? We do make pretty cute babies" He pointed out as a matter of facty. "What's one more?"

"Tuition, that's what" Meredith sighed. "Fine, as soon as we get back home, we´ll do a checkup, until then, we won't tell anyone. Deal?"

"Deal"

**So I decided to re upload this and make some changes! Particularly of course, not making Derek dead or anything because that's the cheapest I've seen a character I've invested 11 years of my life in go, just like that… boom. **

**He deserved better. **

**We deserved better. **

**Also I love Owen and Amelia so much so I just want Owen to be a part of that family as well, I've always wanted him to be actually… **

**I do hope you like this, it's a bit angsty and a bit sad but also has a lot of family moments which are my favorite and the ones I will miss the most. Anyways, please tell me what you thought if you get the chance. :) **


	2. Chapter 2

**I CAN ONLY GIVE YOU EVERYTHING I'VE GOT **

**"We have gone through so much than this before. Please just save me from this darkness" Meredith and Derek travel to New York, Owen and Amelia in tow to handle a family crisis, while each of them deal with the repercussions of the prospect of loss, something they all now too well. Previously called "LOVE LIKE CRAZY" **

**A/N: Hey guys! So, I decided to redesign this story, throwing Amelia and Owen in the mix of the family dynamic, and having a lot of family moments because, admit it, life is to fragile, to instantaneous, like it was for Derek, rest his soul who wasn't even given a proper send off. **

**I don't own anything but my mistakes, that I apologize in advance for. **

**Chapter 2:**

Carolyn was used to chaos. She had raised 5 children as a single mother , each of those now had children of their own. Her youngest grandchild was an 10 month old baby girl named Kenzie, she was Amelia and Owen's rambunctious lucky number 3. So yes, big mama Shepherd knew a thing or two about children, big families and mess. What she didn't know a thing about was how she was meant to leave this world when things had finally started to make sense for all her children.

Amelia was happy, for the first time in her life since her father had died, she was truly happy, with a man that loved her and cherished her just as she deserved, that's all as a mother she could want for her youngest child, whose childhood traumas and personal demons had always pushed her away from others, that had all changed when she had gone to Seattle, being around Derek's life and children had made Amelia evaluate a lot of things in her life, including what loss had meant to her. Carolyn remembered back when Amelia had been pregnant with Kenzie, Owen had been called back to Iraq as a Field Surgeon, the best there was, he'd been Chief long enough and a soldier for longer so it only made sense he went, of course his wife hadn't made it easy on him, not with two young children to care for, but she was aware of what the risks were and she had agreed on them.

"Mom?" She was pulled from her thoughts by Amelia, who held a basket full of clean clothes she and Lizzie had helped wash for her, she hadn't been thrilled about it, she had never depended on others and yet, here she was, being cared for by her grown children and grandchildren. "Are you okay?"

"Of course I am, why wouldn't I be?" She quickly said, Amelia held her gaze for a moment. "Is everything ready for today?"

"I still don't know how we plan on... handling 22 children?"

"What about our husbands, don't they count, I'd be like adding 5 more to the mix?" Lizzie asked. Amelia held her breath. "Oh right, Owen's gonna go all G.I on them if they misbehave?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, nothing... That has to be the way he handles things at the hospital, right?"

"I don't know where you want to get with this but for your information, yes Owen's offered to make sure everyone has safe fun?"

"Amelia, I cannot believe you just said safe fun, you've been around Derek too long!"

"What? You make your teenage son wear sunscreen just so he doesn't get burned on his way to school!" She bantered on. Carolyn watched her children as if they were mere kids, bickering about boyfriends. She didn't say anything, she was just saving these moments for herself, she hated to get emotional, she wasn't seen like that kind of woman, life and hardship had taught her better.

"What's going on here?" Derek came into the laundry room, he and Amelia looked at each other quickly and she left before Lizzie could add anything more. "I was just... What did I say?"

"It's more of what you didn't, dear." His mother said with a smile. "I imagine everyone's ready?"

"You mean if they are all, ummm... remotely prepared for today?" Derek grinned.

"For Pete's sake!" Carolyn said. "It's just the park, it's not as if we are headed for war, which I know a lot about!"

"Can someone explain to me, the reason Owen is lining up the kids by ages in the hall?" Nancy came into the room. "Mom?"

"You were saying?" Liz eyed her mother. "This is why he's your favorite, isn't he?"

"Is he now?" Carolyn said with a smile. "Perhaps it is, he knows how to keep control, I like control..." Derek sighed. "Shall we?"

* * *

"My mother loves you." Amelia said as soon as she got into her rented Jeep, besides Owen. "She really does, she hates all of us, but she loves you."

"What are you talking about?" Owen asked with a grin. "She asked me to lend a hand, so I did..."

"That's what gets me, that she asked you for help ahead of time. She knew we'd loose control over our own children, I mean, we don't... my sisters and Derek maybe, but us?"

"Mommy!"

"Mom!"

"We do have very well behaved children, but she doesn't mean it like that, of course Derek and your sisters can..."

"Daddy!"

"Dad!"

Owen rolled his eyes at Amelia just to look back on his children. "Everyone's leaving dear..."

"Yes, I see that, thank you..." Matt giggled when Owen winked his eye at him, starting the car."Dear."

* * *

**So... I just needed to write something with Amelia and Owen because... Yes, they are so precious and I am rooting for them now on the show! Sorry it's a bit short but it's really late and I don't have more will in me. **

**Up next: Derek and Bailey have a talk and more on Owen and Amelia's kids! Thanks for reading and if you're liking it, please tell me what you thought, reviews make me happy! **


	3. Chapter 3

**I CAN ONLY GIVE YOU EVERYTHING I'VE GOT **

**"We have gone through so much than this before. Please just save me from this darkness" Meredith and Derek travel to New York, Owen and Amelia in tow to handle a family crisis, while each of them deal with the repercussions of the prospect of loss, something ****they all now too well. Previously called "LOVE LIKE CRAZY"**

**A/N: Hey guys! So, I decided to redesign this story, throwing Amelia and Owen in the mix of the family dynamic, and having a lot of family nmoments because, admit it, life is to fragile, to instantaneous, like it was for Derek, rest his soul who wasn't even given a proper send off. **

**I don't own anything but my mistakes, that I apologize in advance for.**

**Before we get into the matter of this chapter, I wanted to let you know a bit more about my kiddos on this story. **

**Zola (13) **

**Bailey (9, almost 10) **

**Casey (5)**

**Wes (3) **

**Matt (7) **

**Kayla (4) **

**Kenzie (10 months) **

* * *

_**Chapter 3:**_

**_"My father nodded. His nod was for me. Different. But not different at all. My father understood. Maybe he had known. Maybe he hadn't. It didn't matter anymore. He understood. I knew he understood, just from his nod, just from his eyes on mine, making his eyes kind for me, and the wave of pain went away for a moment." _**  
**_― Adam Berlin Belmondo Style_**

Derek had always wanted a son, he loved Zola with all his heart and would never change how or why she'd come into his life, yet his relationship with her was different from the one he had with each of his sons. Bailey, although he took more after Meredith physically, reminded him more of himself as a young boy, it was bittersweet to think about how old Bailey was now, because, Derek had lost his father around the same time. Now, his mother was sick and none of her 5 children could do anything for her, nor did they want to take that risk, she'd begged them not to, she was far too tired and far too fragile as to stand a heart surgery, instead she'd begged them to bring the children to her that summer, so that at least, she could enjoy her family being together, even if it was, one last time. Derek was pulled from his thoughts by the arrival of the last little family of the Shepherd clan, Amy held baby Kenzie while Owen was being pulled by the other two to come and join everyone quickly as the other guys had set up a barbecue.

"Everything okay?" Derek asked his sister as he offered her a a juice box.

"It is. You?"

"Great. Just great." Derek smiled, sipping on his beer. "What?"

"You're really not going to tell mom about Meredith?" Amy asked.

"What about her?"

"Derek..." She said warning as she watched his brother share a glance with his wife. "Don't be like that, I know she's pregnant."

"Might be, and yes, I am not telling anyone, and neither are you." Derek told her. "Please don't, I won't want to give mom another reason to feel hopeless, she's already given me a list."

"She did not!" Amelia said. "Plus, It'd be a reason to be happy, not sad, right?"

"Mommy!" Matt came running towards Amelia with a wide smile. "Mommy, come play, daddy's not being fair!"

"Me?" Owen caught up after him shortly. "You don''t play fair my friend" Derek and Amelia smiled as they watched the two of them banter. "I know what will make it even..." He reached for his wife as Derek laughed.

"Oh no!" Amelia giggled "You are not going to get me in the middle of this, no, I'm going over to Meredith's before..." She let out a squeal as Owen got a hold on her from behind, Kenzie still in her arms. "Do you mind?" She told her brother, who took the baby from her. "I've got to take care of some business... "

"Of course you do." Derek watched as Owen and Matt dragged Amelia away. He cradled Kenzie in his arms, spotting Meredith, who was sitting on a blanket a few yards away. "Hey you."

"Hey." Derek sat down beside her, rocking Kenzie softly who had began to drool all over him. "You okay?"

"Yes I am, just enjoying the silence. It's nice, isn't it?"

"It is." He agreed. "Where's..."

"Zola is over there with Kate's kids and the boys are running around here somewhere, they'll come back eventually, once they get thirsty, or hungry " Derek laughed. "See if you spot Bailey anywhere, he seemed upset this morning and I couldn't really get him to talk to me.." They shared a look and remained quiet, Meredith watched her husband for a moment . He'd be the child whisper, he and Owen had really managed to get everyone together.

"Maybe he has a girlfriend..." Derek suggested. Meredith didn't seem amused. "What? I did.." she eyed him carefully.

"At 9? Really?" She asked frustrated. "Please go talk to him, you know have a man to man talk, something."

* * *

After leaving Kenzie in Meredith's care, Derek set out to look for Bailey, it didn't really take him long to find him. "Oh hey dad."

"So, Your mother seems to think there's something wrong with you, which I told her it can mean one thing..." Derek began, taking a seat next to him on the ground.

"What?" The little boy huffed incredulously.

"That you might have crossed the line of childhood and gotten yourself a girlfriend"

"Eww! No! I'm just thinking about... stuff." Derek watched him for a moment. "plus girls don't like me, I don't either, they are way too complicated."

"Tell me about it. " Derek ruffled Bailey's hair. "What's on your mind buddy?" The kid looked over at Derek. He wasn't sure if he wanted to let his father know what was on his mind, he didn't want to make him sad, everyone was already sad around here, everyone knew grandma was sick, they just didn't talk about it.

Bailey sighed. "Dad, do you still miss grandpa?" Derek didn't react right away, he really didn't talk about his father much, it wasn't an easy task, to this day he nightmares. "Do you like, wonder what might have been if he was alive? "

."Everyday, I think about what he'd think of me, of the path I chose, of my role as a father, as a husband, as a man, the man he had wanted to raise." Derek was sure this wasn't the answer his son was hopping for, he didn't think so."it's just hard for me to imagine it."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you sad." Bailey looked down at the grass."it's just, grandma said if he were here, he wouldn't have let her get sick, he'd taken care of her."

"Yes, he'd had done just that, he loved grandma so much" Derek admitted. "Just like she loves all of us. "

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Is this the last time we'll all see grandma? is she going to die? "

* * *

"Derek?" Meredith's voice made him turn his head to the side as he washed his face, she could see there was something wrong with him. She had known that before they had decided to confront this, in fact, she knew he wasn't dealing with it, ever since Carolyn had been diagnosed, he and his sisters had been looking for a way to help her, even trying to get Maggie to New York, which she had agreed on without Question, but even with all the technology around, there was still a long way for people to get brand new heart, she had been put on the waiting List, for the second time and her body had begun to reject the newly received organ, so she was back on UNOS against her wishes because she refused to let someone else die and for her to live. She had already tried that."What's going on with you? Are you okay?"

"Bailey asked me about my dad today and I couldn't, didn't really react I just felt numb, it got me thinking about how long it's been..." He lowered his head, feeling Meredith's arms around his waist. "It's like I don't feel anything anymore..."

"That's crazy Derek, you were just a kid, nothing could have prepared you for what you went through, it doesn't mean you love your father any less. It just means that time has gone by but the pain is stil there." Derek sighed, feeling comfort in his wife's presence.

"I just..." He let go of her and moved to bed. "I never want our kids to go through what we did, and this is the first time they've been old enough to understand what's happening and it makes me feel so powerless, how am I not good enough to protect my mother, to save her, I make miracles happen and I can't save her. "

Meredith turned to her husband, leaning her head on Derek's chest, she could hear him breathe. She was terrified of the prospect of having to loose Carolyn, she has been more of a mother to her than Ellis had ever been.

She was the kind of mother she aspired to be, her mother had been the definition of greatness as a surgeon, she had not been a mother. Carolyn had been more than that to Derek and she wasn't sure how to handle this for Derek Or even if she could . How make it easier for him to lose his mother? It was insane . Was anyone ever ready for that?

"Derek?" He shifted on bed. "Where are you going?" She eyed Wes's body sleeping on his playlen and watched her husband move to the door.

"I'll be right back." She moved on bed, looking up at the ceiling of Derek's childhood bedroom. She crawled out of bed quietly, moving in the hallway to open the door of the boy's room. Her two eldest boys were cuddled against each other. Meredith saw Derek kneel in front of the boys quietly. She couldn't make up what he was saying, but she was sure he'd begun to cry.

* * *

**Happy Mother's Day guys! Hope you have a wonderful day with those special human beings that gave us life. kuddos to Meredith and the rest of the moms from Grey's! **

**Don't forget that reviews make a writer happy! **


	4. Chapter 4

**I CAN ONLY GIVE YOU EVERYTHING I'VE GOT **

**"We have gone through so much than this before. Please just save me from this darkness" Meredith and Derek travel to New York, Owen and Amelia in tow to handle a family crisis, while each of them deal with the repercussions of the prospect of loss, something ****they all now too well. Previously called "LOVE LIKE CRAZY"**

**A/N: Hey guys! So, I decided to redesign this story, throwing Amelia and Owen in the mix of the family dynamic, and having a lot of family moments because, admit it, life is to fragile, to instantaneous, like it was for Derek, rest his soul who wasn't even given a proper send off. **

**I don't own anything but my mistakes, that I apologize in advance for.**

**Chapter 4: **

_**"We are never really ready to say goodbye to someone we love, that's just human nature, we try to be selfless and as doctors, all we are trying to do is help others, but what happens when people don't want to be helped? They just want to keep doing things on their own because that's the way they want to be remembered, as someone who thought it was better not to make someone else suffer at their expense. Oblivious of what their decisions might actually mean to others, so yes, humans are selfish, even though we are forever put on the path of selflessness." **_

Meredith had been having morning sickness since the crack of dawn, having Derek rubbing her back, softly and holding up her hair. "Feel any better?"

"It's another boy, I tell you, I'm doomed to be surrounded by penises all my life. Zola and I are outnumbered." His wife mumbled as he smiled, brushing her cheek with his fingers.

"Well, I was outnumbered and I turned out fine." Derek said helping her up and back into bed, thankfully their three year old possessed Meredith's ability to sleep like a Lincoln Log and he wasn't bothered.

"Keep telling yourself that." She said with a fake grin.

"Mer, you thought Wes was a girl. I wouldn't cross it out of my mind yet. It could happen."

"You are well aware of our age right?" She sighed. "I can't keep having babies, We'll never get rid of them..."

"Mom? Dad? Are you up?" Bailey's voice came trough the door with a knock. It was still pretty early.

"See what I mean?" She told Derek as she stood up to open the door for Bailey. "What are you doing up? It's still pretty early."

"I just, I was wondering if I could come in, just for a second..."

"Everything okay?" Meredith asked. "Fine, come on, but don't wake the baby..." Bailey smiled as Meredith brushed his messy hair as he passed.

"Good morning buddy." Derek smiled as Bailey jumped into bed, right between his parents as he used to do when he was younger. "Did you have fun with your cousins yesterday?"

Bailey hesitated. "Well yes, but not everyone is as nice as... well I think they don't like me."

"Wait, how could they not like you? They're your cousins."

"There's 7 of us in a room and other than Matt no one cares to ask me anything..." Bailey admitted. Meredith looked at Derek. "It's like I've done something to them..."

"Great. I thought I was the only pariah in this family..." She hissed at her husband. "Just what I needed, another disapproval from your sisters..."

"Meredith, they're just not used to each other, I'm sure they'll warm up soon enough." He said. "You'll see that bud, they just need a little more time to warm up."

"Dad, I barely know them, it's not like I stole their toys or anything, they just don't like me, they just don't, I don't get it." Bailey groaned, rolling onto his back looking up at the ceiling like Derek was. The three of them sighed at the same time. "Zola seems to be having fun..." Derek said something about Zola that made Meredith hit him with a pillow. "Are you guys pillow fighting?" Came a small voice, Casey was standing by the door. "I want to!"

"Sh..." Meredith groaned when Wes began to fuss and cried. "Get in there." She told Casey as she took Wes out from his traveling crib and joined the already crowded bed. "What?"

"Nothing." Derek smiled at her. He took a moment to sink everything. Yes Zola was a teenager so it'd be unlikely he'd seen her with them in the mornings like they did on lazy Sundays anymore , but their boys were still there. And he didn't mind what they were having as long as he got to do this with that little baby still.

* * *

"Nice of you to join in the party." Amelia said as Derek reached the kitchen. "Coffee?" The house was awfully quiet at this hour.

"Thank goodness." He sighed, getting a cup from the covert. "I need coffee. I love coffee."

"Rough night?" Amy asked as Derek drank. "Yeah me too. I think Kenzie is teething, the other two were early bitters so I'm just worried she'll be cranky the rest of the trip, which is more than I can...Nancy and Kate are driving me crazy." Derek laughed. "I still don't get why we all have to stay here, I mean we don't live around here but they do."

"I'm guessing this is more about how messy the house is or the noise."

"It is." Amelia admitted. "Matty woke up in the middle of the night to tell me he didn't want to sleep in the room with the rest of the boys, he's shy Derek but he loves when we visit, I just don't get it."

"Bailey told me something like that too, says the boys weren't all that welcoming. You think it's our fault?"

"How could it? We didn't make the rules, they could have just gone home... and we've raised our kids right, I mean, lord knows I love my nieces and nephews but...this is turning into a frat house..."

"We should have brought them more, when they were younger, the kids, I mean, I know mom would have loved it, and the kids wouldn't feel so out of place with everyone." Amelia was about to answer when Owen arrived.

"How bad was it?" Amelia asked. Derek frowned.

"It wasn't." Owen admitted. "He's ashamed but other than that, it's just..."

"Matty had an accident." Derek understood. "It had been a while since he..."

"I know, I know..." Then hell broke loose. Kids and feet were heard from every corner of the house. "I better go clean up before..."

"Amelia!"

"That happens." She sighed. "Would you guys start breakfast?"

* * *

"I'm just saying... seven is too old to be wetting the bed like that." Nancy pointed out.

"Thanks Nancy but, I've got it covered."

"Thank goodness it didn't happen in the room with the boys, that'd been messy." Her sister added. Amelia was looking at her as if she wanted to murder her.

"What happened? " Carolyn asked as she joined her daughters in the laundry room. Amelia explained the situation. "I'll get everything cleaned up. " She added.

"Honey, its alright, these things happen, they happened to you and..." Nancy laughed. Carolyn glared at her. Carolyn told her child to finish putting on the sheets to be washed and joined everyone for breakfast. Amelia sighed when Carolyn turned to Nancy and said she'd been the 13 year old who'd had had an accident once, so there was no room to judge.

* * *

"No, but they think they have easy with their stay at home husbands and perfect lives! I can't do just..., it's not who I am, it's not who we are!" Amelia said. She and Owen had to step outside when she had snapped at her sister for the second time that morning.

"Hey, it's okay. " Owen smiled putting his hands on her shoulders. "We could always just adjust, you and I know how to not make things get to us, we are better than them." Amelia laughed.

"You could always stay home, it's not like you are chief anymore. " She leaned in to kiss him.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you? " Owen said. Meredith came out a moment later, Matty in tow.

"Hey baby, everything okay?" Amelia asked, she looked at Meredith.

"you had accidents too?" Matt asked looking up at her. Owen glanced at her. His mother lowered herself to his level. There were tears in his green eyes and she couldn't help but to dry them away.

"I did." She admitted. "I thought we've got it all cleared up this morning, it was an accident, they happen. "

"Like me?" This conversation had shifted. Meredith locked eyes with Owen. "Jake said I wet the bed because I was an accident. What does that mean?"

Amy smiled at her son. "You listen to me, You are the most amazing person I know, and the most beautiful gift I could have been given, you and your sisters, that's all you need to know. Okay? " Matt looked at Owen for a moment. "Okay? "

"Okay."

* * *

"Amelia, you can't just leave, we promised mom.." Liz begged her sister "I'm sure Jake didn't mean it like that."

"Oh yeah, how did he mean it then? I didn't want to come here in the first place. Something always happens when we come back, and it somehow bites me in the ass, I can take it, trust me , all of it, but my son.. he's not your clown. "

"Liz, would you give us a moment?" Derek asked. Liz smiled softly at her brother.

"I'm going Derek, you can't talk me out of it." Amy said packing. "I know it's not Jake's fault, he probably heard Nancy and Louis talking about it. About how they think everything good in my life is an accident. "

"Amy, Jake is more than capable of having thought of that himself and he's going to be responsible for it, you can't just leave. "

Amelia looked at Derek. They had remained close, closer now they had an actual relationship and lived trough so much together. He'd gone trough what she had, at different extends but still, and they were both survivors. "we owe it to mom to at least try. "

"To survive?" "

"To survive. "

* * *

"I was just kidding grandma, I didn't even mean it. " Jake said as Carolyn called him off, Nancy next to her.

"I didn't raise your mother like that, and she surely didn't raise you to be like that Jacob, so I expect you to apologize to Matt right this instant. " Carolyn said sternly. The teen groaned.

"Matt, would you come over with Nana for a moment, honey? "

"I'm sorry." Jake said. "You weren't. .. I didn't mean that. "

Matt smiled. "That's okay," he looked back at Meredith. "You're full of dumb hormones anyway and you're older, so I forgive you." Jake stared at him blank but Derek had to fight the urge to laugh.

"Why did you even say to him?" Derek asked his wife.

"oh you know, I had my share of pretty stupid teenagers in my life , that's just how they get, you just have to outsmart them." She smiled. They continued to clean up the kitchen after breakfast, everyone out and about now.

Thud. "I just hope that wasn't one of ours..." Meredith said lifting her face.

"Derek!" Amelia shouted. "Mom, can you hear me? "

**_" Yes, human beings are selfish, they want to make others feel less just because it's easy, they want to see tears in our eyes so it mirrors their own suffering because they don't want to feel less, but then there is this beautiful moment when selflessness happens and humans realize they wouldn't be able to live only on putting people down, they need to extend a hand, pull others from the ground and place a hand on their shoulder. So in the end, when you are facing your mortality, there's someone else experiencing the same pain, because its this moment when we are about to lose someone dear to us, that we hold on to others, because in the end we know we'll never be ready to say goodbye_ "**

* * *

**So, what did you guys think? it was important for the story to mirror Bailey and Matt feeling left out a bit to that same situation Amelia and Derek feel when they are at home. So now the real drama begins. What's going to happen to mama Shepherd? Read and find out!**

**Thanks again for supporting the story and I'll see you next time! Don't forget to review if you get the chance ㈴2**


	5. Chapter 5

**I CAN ONLY GIVE YOU EVERYTHING I'VE GOT **

**"We have gone through so much than this before. Please just save me from this darkness" Meredith and Derek travel to New York, Owen and Amelia in tow to handle a family crisis, while each of them deal with the repercussions of the prospect of loss, something ****they all now too well. Previously called "LOVE LIKE CRAZY"**

**A/N: Hey guys! So, I decided to redesign this story, throwing Amelia and Owen in the mix of the family dynamic, and having a lot of family moments because, admit it, life is to fragile, to instantaneous, like it was for Derek, rest his soul who wasn't even given a proper send off. **

**I don't own anything but my mistakes, that I apologize in advance for.**

**Chapter 5:**

_**"As doctors, we are used to be the ones delivering any news to the patient's loved ones. Whether they are good or bad, but you are never quite prepared to be the one to stand on the other side and therefore, wait. Surgeons are not good at just waiting, We simply are not good at doing nothing because, when there's someone there, depending on you to save their lives, every second counts" **_

"Why won't they tell us anything?" Nancy said frustrated. Derek looked at her and continued to lean his back to the wall, where Meredith and Owen were imitating him. "Is this always how it is?"

"You don't remember how it was with dad?" Kathleen asked. She and Nancy were the eldest so they remembered the night Christopher had died the most. It still haunted most of their dreams.

"Of course I do." Kate said dryly. Meredith glanced at Derek, his hand was on his hair and he wasn't making eye contact. She took his other hand and squeezed it.

"Can we please not talk about Dad?" Lizzie pointed out, much to Amelia's relief. She was sitting on a chair next to Liz. "Not here. Not right now."

Owen and Meredith shared a look. Neither of them really knew what it was like to grow up with siblings even though they were used to the banter between Derek and the girls. "Uh, I think I'm going to get myself some coffee, anybody want anything?" Owen asked.

"I'll help you." Jake, Nancy's husband said. He really didn't want to be here when it all exploded. Amelia and Nancy watched their husbands disappear around the corner.

"I'm going to..." Nancy began to say as she eyed her siblings. "I can't wait any longer..."

"She brings babies into the world, she doesn't have any idea how this works." Amelia pointed out. "They won't tell her anything, not until they know.."

"We know Amy, you don't have to remind us you are the all mighty surgeon, alright?" Kathleen said. Derek smiled at his little sister for a moment as she rolled her eyes at Kate.

"Meredith, have you tried calling your sister again? She has treated mom before, hasn't she?" Liz asked.

"Yes." Meredith said. "She said she'd be on a plane as soon as she could."

"Good, that's good, at least is someone we know." Liz said.

"We know all of Mom's doctors Lizzie." Amelia said. "It's not like this is some crappy hospital, this is were mom's been since this whole thing started..."

"Yes, I know, but..."

Derek let go of Meredith's hand and walked away, without a word, away from one of Amelia and Lizzie's usual arguments. "Derek..." His wife said trying to reach for him, but he couldn't even look back at her. "Hey.." She stopped him in the hallway. "Hey, look at me."

He did. But he wasn't really looking at her. She remembered that look, that lost puppy glance he had had when he had asked her to marry him and she had said no. Twice. This was Derek being lost, feeling powerless. She'd seen this a few times before. "Derek.." Her phone buzzed in her pocket. It was Steve he and James had stayed behind with the kids. "Hello?"

* * *

"Hey mom." It was Zola on the phone. "How's grandma?"

"We still don't know anything sweetie." Meredith said, glancing over at Derek. "How's everything over there?"

"Uncle Steve and Uncle James are going crazy..." Zola said. "But we're managing, how about over there?"

"We're managing too." Meredith said as she saw Derek on the ground, his back against the white wall. "Is everyone helping out?"

"Yes, even Casey is behaving, which is beyond me.." Zola said in a very teenage like tone. "We're making lunch..."

"Really?"

"Yep, uncle Steve said everyone who was over ten was in charge of lunch and the boys had to set the table." Zola informed her. "Which is more like us girls working twice but anyway..." Meredith smiled softly. "Oh mom, I have to go, here's uncle Steve, give Nana a kiss for me okay?"

"I will Zo, thanks for being such a big girl and helping out." Meredith said. Zola said something into the phone about being over twelve and practically a woman when Meredith heard Steve's voice.

"Hey, how's everything?"

"It's...That's all I have to say, we still don't know anything... We'll tell you more as we find out." Meredith said softly.

"How's Liz?"

"She's alright." Meredith said. "Hanging in there..."

"I've tried calling her cell but I think she left it in the car or something..." Steve pointed out with a sigh.

"Do you want to talk to her?"

"No, that's alright...Uh I have to go, just.. please let us know as soon as you know something..."

"Of course I will."

"Thank you Meredith." She hung up, turning to see if Derek was still where she'd left him.

"So... the kids are fine." She said kneeling in front of him, placing a hand on his knee for support. "Zola even said Casey is behaving..." Derek smiled softly at her. "Guess this family meeting didn't turn out as we hopped huh?" She said after a while.

"No, it didn't..." He admitted. "But I'm glad we're all here... with her, it's not like when my dad died, we didn't even get to say goodbye..."

"Derek... your mother's not gone yet." Meredith said. "She's still here."

"For how long Mer? How long am I going to have to tell her that I'm sorry..."

"Sorry, sorry about what?"

"Not being there, not giving her a chance to enjoy her grandchildren..." Derek sighed. "Now she's sick and I've run out of time. And all they do is fight because they barely know each other..."

"We've all made decisions about our kids and our family Derek, Seattle was our home and we've been trying to be around..." Meredith brushed his cheek. "And honestly, they're kids Derek, they need to get over themselves, that's all..."

"It wasn't enough..." Derek said."It's never enough." Meredith knew he wasn't just talking about how much time Carolyn had spent with the kids, it was also about his dad.

It always came down to his dad.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith looked up to see Dr. Rand, the cardiologist. "Derek?" Meredith touched her husband's hand softly. His knuckles were white, his hand red.

"Derek." Meredith said softly. "Come on..." She offered him her hand, which he reluctantly accepted.

They followed Dr. Rand down the hall to where the others were, Owen and Jake had come back.

"There's some things we need to discuss..." Amelia glanced over at Derek at they listened.

_**"No, wait is never easy, being on the other side of everything isn't either, but we've all been there, and just as our patients do, we are left with a million questions, even though, medically we might think we have all the answers." **_

* * *

**So this wasn't my best work but it's a transitional chapter, so sorry if it's too short. Please review if you get the chance and thanks for reading! **


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